What's in your Backpack?

I like to think we all have mental backpacks, where we carry the things that are important to us or that we feel responsible for. I think for myself, and for many others we don't pay attention to what’s in there and how heavy it may get.

For many years I did not realize how heavy I had allowed my backpack to get, or even that I had a choice as to what to pack around in it.

What was in my backpack? My family, but not just my immediate family, my entire family…my mother my siblings, the whole kit and caboodle. (And I have a huge family for those of you that don’t know).I felt like I had to hold it all together, protect the integrity of our family, care for everyone’s feelings, keep all the secrets, be a perfect sister, daughter, mother and wife.

I covered up their mistakes, protected their feelings, organized holidays because if I didn't it wouldn't happen, I needed perfection and stability that I didn't get being a "commune kid". 

Also, I carried my pain in my backpack, pain from a traumatic childhood, filled with sexual abuse, instability, and confusion.  Pain I never fully expressed, burying it and covering it up because it’s ugly and doesn't fit my perfect life.

What happened when I tried to carry all that around? It got really heavy. And when I couldn’t carry it anymore, I didn't just set it down, I dropped it. At first it felt really good! But dropping my whole pack had its drawbacks. I went through some painful things I am not yet ready to discuss, made some mistakes and let important people in my life down.

But I learned! What did I learn?  Well, I had a choice as to what went into my pack, we all do. What I don’t need is:

Responsibility for covering up for others mistakes, people will have to live with the choices they have made just as I have to live with mine. If they have hurt me or caused me pain, I am allowed to feel it; I don’t have to cover it up to protect them.

Perfection…nope, don’t need it. Life is not perfect, it’s messy and wonderful. Christmas in January at the local Chinese food restaurant? Great.  My husband and kids taking off somewhere tropical for thanksgiving? Great. I don't need to be painting the perfect traditional picture and trying to force myself and my entire family into fitting it.

Pain…It happens. Feel it, express it, reach out for help if I need it, and then move on!

Control and fear, I don’t control what’s going to happen next, I can only weigh in, fear of change will only hamper me.

What do I have in my backpack now that I have repacked it and picked it back up?

Imperfection! It’s perfect, I love my quirky imperfect life and family; we are all just as we should be and are all traveling through life choosing our own paths. 

Acceptance, I accept change, I accept imperfection in myself and others, I accept my life the way it is, and accept that I can only control my own mind…everything else is going to do what it will.

Self care. If I am caring for myself, being responsible for my own actions, and living the best life I know how in the present…everything else falls into place. Now my pack is light and my life is good. So if you’re carrying around too much weight, lighten up!