Birthday Thank You's

I love my birthday.

Nobody has to remember it, I don't have to have a party, or get gifts, I have just always loved my birthday. Somehow I feel special on that day, a day just for me. I should hope everybody feels this way on the day that marks their entrance to this strange and wonderful life.

Birthdays are wonderful time to take stock of your life. To reflect on where you have been and where you need to go. This year I reflect on my many experiences good and bad, and how they contributed to who I am and how I feel about myself today. And I am happy to say, in the big picture I am as happy and fulfilled as I could wish to be. Not content by any stretch, to stagnate, but thrilled with life, its unpredictability, fullness, and ability to teach me new things all the time. I am delighted I have learned to roll with the punches as they say, and embrace life as it comes. This is not something that I have always been good at but have only begun to perfect in recent years. I also reflect on the people who have helped to form me. And the person I am, the person I love (most of the time) has so many people to thank.

My mother, for teaching me through example, empathy, tenderheartedness, and an appreciation for art and beauty. She also taught me graceful acceptance of what is, and an ability to love humanity however flawed it may be.

My siblings, for allowing me to learn to be a caregiver, to love and care them when they needed me. For letting me prove I am capable and compassionate. And in return, for caring for me, when I needed them.

My husband, who has been both friend and lover, and stood by me through many changes, that has not always been easy. He has been a safe haven during my many transformations, sometimes my whipping boy and always my anchor.

My children, for giving me back my sense of childish wonder, of bugs, and flowers, and the stars, and moon, and whether chocolate milk comes from brown cows or not. And for reminding me always what is really important, with their simple and sometimes brutal honesty.

My Love family (commune) friends, who are really nothing short of family. Whom I have bonded with through our shared experiences good and bad, and who are always there when they are needed. They understand me in ways I don't have the words for.

Also Love Family Community as a whole, who taught me to embrace differences, to love easily, and wholeheartedly, to question the status quo, and challenge the norm. Who instilled in me a strong belief in the unity of humanity through our need to give and receive love. Who taught me to live with an open mind and and open heart. 

My new friends I have made over the past year, who accepted me for who I really am, unquestioningly and with open arms. Who have helped me discover parts of myself I never knew were there. They have given me a renewed sense of community, inspired my growth in new and exciting ways, and challenged me to think more critically, reflect more deeply,  and love more fully. 

There is a long list of people I could thank individually, who have helped me along the way, but for today, I would just like to thank all of you who have crossed my path, whether it was briefly or whether we walked together a spell, for making my life a beautiful  and inspiring thing. I love and cherish you all, Thank you.

Thinking About Love

Thinking about love

I watched Broke Back Mountain for the second time yesterday and cried my eyes out. Such a beautiful and tragic love story.  It got me thinking about the real love stories that are still happening today and how sad it is that there are some people who risk losing family and friends…just to love. It makes no sense to me. Any time we can love and care for another is precious, it should be respected and held up as example, not disregarded and trampled.

I know we have come a long way, but we have long road still ahead. I will always be on the side of love, in all of its forms.

LOVE:

Does it have boundaries? Does it not exist where society says it shouldn’t? Is it not love when a man feels he is finally at home wrapped in another mans arms? Or when a woman’s tender touch makes her girlfriend tremble? When someone chooses to love many, or just one, is it our place to say nay? Does love see color or creed? Should someone’s fear and ignorance have the power to keep lovers souls apart? Does it even have that power?

I think not. I think love is boundless, it goes on for eternity, emanating from us in waves. It is not exclusionary, or explainable, it doesn't answer to fear and ignorance. When it is stifled or ignored it will only leave a deep and lonely emptiness.

Love is embracing, accepting, eternal, going on far beyond our individual selves. I choose to promote love, in all of its miraculous forms. To see love, happiness, joy, and fulfillment, that is one of life’s truest gifts. I say yes to love!

Amazing Grace

In the commune we had a lot of meetings; I would say the ones that were not about work and logistics, were much like church. But not the solemn boring kind…more of the hallelujah lets sing and dance kind.

One of the common threads through all of our services was singing. We would sing in our grief and sorrow in times of loss, and we would sing in celebration.  The songs could be written by our members, or classic hymns or songs we loved from various musical artists. (Of course songs from the grateful dead and the Beatles made a regular appearance).

When we would sing, whether it was in grief, reverence or celebration, all of our cares seemed to fall away. For that moment in time when all our voices were raised together, grudges were dropped, anger would dissipate and it seemed just for a moment, we were in perfect harmony.

We could not all sing, there were some with beautiful voices and a natural talent to carry a tune, and some who were, shall we say, somewhat less talented. (I fall with the later group). But none of that mattered because when we sang in unity we made something beautiful. We gave each other grace.

Reflecting on this brings to mind the song Amazing Grace, while I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination, the message of this song still rings true for me. Because who has not been lost and in need of being found? Who has not been able to see through the darkness and then been shown a light? I feel like that is what we were doing for each other during these times, showing each other grace. I saw people weep while we sang, and laugh too, there was a family song that actually incorporated laughter, and it was a favorite of everyone's. There is something healing about singing. I read somewhere that every human being has an intrinsic need to sing, it crosses all cultural boundaries. It is one of things I truly miss about living with the commune.

In those times when we are lost and blind, this is when we need grace the most.  

Enjoy this beautiful version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsCp5LG_zNE 

A Birth At Home

Sweet baby girl probably somewhere around 1981

I am going to give you a little background on this next childhood memory. While the details are foggy, I was only about 5 years old at the time, what I do remember clearly is that I was a privileged witness to something  very special.

During this era we lived in a remote valley on the Columbia River in Eastern Washington. Nestled in woods there were two rustic pine-sided cabins, equipped with electricity and limited indoor plumbing. (Hot and cold running water but no flush toilets) We used a wood burning iron oven for both heat and cooking.  We kept large and prolific gardens, and orchards. We also kept chickens for eggs and meat. We were at least an hour and half from a hospital and had no phones. So when I say we lived like pioneers I am not exaggerating. There were also several yurts perched on earthen platforms that served as the sleeping spaces for the several families that called this place home.  These were kept warm in the winter by hanging colorful parachutes from the ceilings, and lining the walls with moving blankets. Each one equipped with a wood stove. All in all we were warm and well fed. It was in the larger of the two cabins where this special event took place.

A Birth at Home

Me and my small step brother sit quietly at the top of the stairs listening to the bustle below. The hushed voices of the grownups floating up to us. The anticipation in the air is palpable, a baby is coming! We have been awaiting this day for a very long time. We are very quiet and do exactly as we are told.

Soon we are ushered downstairs to sit quietly in the corner of the dimly lit room. I don’t know if it is dawn or dusk, but the lights are low, voices are hushed, and the air smells of incense and tea. There are women working at the foot of my Godmothers bed, speaking words of encouragement. The men are laughing and speaking quietly to each other, helping to carry in basins of warm water and staying out of the way.

Low moans are coming from the bed, I sense that there is pain, but it doesn’t frighten me. When I look around the room the faces of the grownups reflect anticipation and joy. Soon my mother comes for my little brother and I, and walks us quietly to where we can see. The baby is almost here! I see a head squeezing through the birth canal, and suddenly with a gush the rest of baby enters the world.

It’s a girl! The air is filled with laughter and celebration.  The women help my Godmother to clean up and the small baby girl is washed and wrapped in blankets. My brother and I are allowed to look at her and touch her now. She is so tiny and wrinkled and her head is pointed, my mother tells me this is because she was so squished coming out.  We look at her and touch her soft cheeks and marvel at her tiny fingers and toes.

I know I have witnessed something miraculous, I know that it is special. The room is filled with love, and joy…it’s the peaceful beginning of a new life.

This baby girl, while from different genetic parentage than I, is every bit my sister today. I am blessed that I was able to be there for her very first moments on earth. She has grown to be an intelligent beautiful woman whom I admire very much.  Our mutual experience with communal living and the tight relationships of our families has bonded us together for life.  

As a side note, I am very opposed to the way our society treats birth as a medical condition. I did not have my children at home partly due to the fact I did could not find anyone to deliver the baby in my home environment, and partly due to the fear of the unknown. I had my first child in a birth center with very little intervention, and my second in a hospital because there was no one available to deliver me in my domicile. The two experiences were vastly different, and only served to strengthen my belief that our system is lacking.

Child birth is a natural occurrence and yes, many things can go wrong, but in all likelihood will not. We are frightened into thinking medical intervention is necessary. Many times the interventions received lead to more complications. My hope is that one day it will be the norm to birth at home, with family and loved ones, and that the glaring medical lights and latex gloved hands will be reserved for the very worst case scenarios.  Happy birthday!
Oh! I'm adding this in as an after post edit, this baby girl I witnessed coming into the world, in turn was witness to the birth of my first born! Now that, my friends is a beautiful circle! 

Think Your Way To Happy

Peace of mind does not mean everything is right with the world and you are care free. It means you acknowledge your world the way it is, are doing what you can to better your reality, and accommodate whatever it is that you cannot change. It is a meditation in acceptance. I think when you reach this place in your mind you radiate a positive energy that comes back to you tenfold and amazing things start happening.

When you find peace of mind, your eyes are open to the goodness, fullness, and opportunities life offers you. You clearly see the difference between “want” and “need” and whatever you need comes easily, and many of the things you want follow. It’s about the ability to see these things.

When you let your mind wander into negative thought patterns, self doubt, insecurities, etc…It makes it very hard to recognize the goodness in your life that is already there, waiting for you to notice. It takes only a few moments, but sometimes a monumental effort to redirect your mind. If you can just for a minute or two, focus on one thing, one tiny thing that you are grateful for in your life you can begin to make a shift.

The sun on your shoulder, your faithful dog, the view from your office, anything can help. I have been waking up each day, trying to start my day with one positive thought, knowing it will set the tone for my day. I am not naive, I know life gets really rough, and sometimes one needs time to grieve or be angry, I am just referring to a whole-life practice.

I find by practicing this I actually develop a buffer to others negative energy, I don’t get sucked into drama, and when something happens in my life that’s not what I wanted or anticipated, I am able to let it just pass through. That’s not to say I don’t want to listen or reflect when loved ones come to me with grief or sorrow, It just means I put myself in a position to do what I can to help, and can let go of the rest.

Developing a pattern of positive thought can change your life.  Peace of mind, or happiness is not given to us by some outside force, it’s up to each individual to find or create their own happiness. To look for it outside yourself is not only giving away your power, but is also a fruitless venture. I know this is all very cliché, but it’s been my focus of late and just thought I would share. I am currently living my life with a very full heart and a peaceful mind. 

Standing On The Precipice Of Awesome

Sometimes in ones life everything is so right, that quite literally your mind and body are buzzing with positive energy. It’s as if one little piece of your lifes' puzzle found its place, and then a dozen others followed suit. Suddenly your life fits.

Whatever it is that your soul yearns for is right there, within your grasp, and now, now you are empowered to reach out and grasp it.  Even the not-quite-right things are okay, you are going to beat this game of life.

You can feel the things that held you back before losing their grip, fear, self doubt, lack of inspiration, and you begin to step away. Like setting foot on a new path with a light pack, the sun filtering through the trees, birds are singing, and all is right with the world.

I know it’s not possible to always feel this way, but when you do, when you are most alive and awake to your life, your creative juice, the universe sees it. Opportunities come and you know without a doubt what to do with them. You know what to do to make amends, to clean up your messes, solve your problems, to make your life amazing. 

When you're standing on the precipice of awesome…you JUMP!

Coloring Outside the Lines and other “Antisocial" Behaviors

I have had people tell me I’m stubborn and even “combative” which while I can see why they might think that, I don’t see myself that way. Rather, I am unwilling to accept things as they are just because “most people” think that’s the way it should be.  In fact, I like to challenge the status quo, and challenge myself to try to see things the way others might. But I will always question someone if they are trying to be the boss of me. 

I grew up in a commune whose members relished going against the grain, for example, not using money for a period of time, not putting their birthdays on their ID’s, instead telling the powers that be they were “eternal”.  They also practiced non-monogamy or “free love” and other such things, that fly in face of acceptable behavior in our rather puritanical Christian dominated society. Ironically, within the community, expressing dissent with the communes’ leader and his guidelines, or being autonomous or independent in any way was highly discouraged.

So I believe I ended up with an interesting mix of influences. I was taught by example both to thumb your nose at established cultural norms but also to taught to accept blindly what I was told by my “elders” Guess which one won out? I love coloring outside the lines, I don’t like “society” to dictate to me what I should and shouldn't do, other than your basic good and evil issues such as rape and murder, the types of rights and wrongs that basically cross all cultures, or harm innocents. 

Beyond that, I find it rather distasteful for the government to have their proverbial hands on my body, or in my home.  (I did not give them consent, last I checked that was rape.) Now I understand there are people who feel we need to control what other people put in their bodies, or do behind their bedroom doors, or even how to educate their children, because we hold the higher moral ground don’t we?  Wrongo! It’s appalling to me to think somebody else can dictate those kinds of choices for anyone else but themselves.

I understand, and have heard, all the arguments.  There are many issues we make broad and sweeping laws to try to prevent, and fail miserably. Last I checked, not selling liquor on Sundays hasn't prevented alcoholic people from being alcoholic, illegal drugs are used by the masses every day turning good people into "criminals", and for Petes' sake you can't stop a gay from gay!  But this country was founded on “In God We Trust” wasn't it? Shouldn't we guide people to be morally upstanding? Wrongo…It was established with the idea that people would be free to practice whatever religion or lack thereof without fear of persecution, and with freedom as a foundation.

What we need to stop doing is wasting time and money trying to monitor people’s moral values; WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME!  If you want to go to church every Sunday and abstain from alcohol, guess what? That’s fine.  You are entitled. Worship Chickens? Have at it. Believe Aliens are coming to take you off the earth and into heaven…enjoy the wait. Just don’t try to force your beliefs on the rest of us. The War on drugs, the endless battle to suppress gay rights, restricting womens' access to healthcare etc…is heavily influenced by antiquated religious beliefs, and is a huge waste of resources.

And now instead of wasting all that money enforcing and arguing those ridiculous and tedious “moral judgment laws” lets EDUCATE! Educate our children about dangerous substances, responsible sex, and tolerance. Let’s TREAT addictions and mental health issues…and most importantly RESPECT peoples' choices to live their lives how they wish, instead of forcibly trying to make people conform. Because in the long run, that is the only thing that makes us a free society. I would like religion to get its dirty hands out of government, and let us have real “American Freedom.”

Now lets all go smoke a joint and get gay married!