Another Christmas is just around the corner. In my younger
years there was nothing in the world that could crush my holiday spirit. And we
were poor, never had enough to make ends meet, but we loved our small
traditions, and we made the best of it. This went on far into my adult life. My Cheermiestering started the day after thanksgiving and continued until Dec 26th.
I would start baking, several kinds of cookies and sweet breads to freeze. I
made homemade wrapping paper, sent out dozens of greeting cards, sang all the classic carols all day long, and
drank more than my fair share of eggnog.
But several years ago all that changed. Call it midlife crises,
or maybe I just finally gave in to the Scrooge. Looking around at my dysfunctional
family, and overwhelmed by the incessant consumerism, I started feeling like
nothing I did really mattered. Traditions became thankless motions; everywhere
I looked I saw need or greed, both which disheartened me.
I don’t know what caused this change, although I can say it
seemed to happen all at once. Suddenly, a holiday I loved, that was filled with
joy and family became a chore, something I had to force a smile to get through,
doing the bare minimum “for the kids.” It no longer held any meaning for me.
Ever since then, I have been searching, wanting to get back
that warm fuzzy Christmas feeling I know exists, but to do that, I now know I
have to find its meaning to me. It means a lot of things to a lot of people,
and easy if you are Christian, but I am not. But I know it still means
something. But what?
This year, it means letting go. Letting go of how things are
“supposed” to be, letting go of unrealistic expectations, letting go of
perfection. This year it means acceptance and flexibility. To look for that joy
in smaller moments, to embrace all of my emotions at this time of year, even if
it sadness. To stop with false cheer and look deeper, so when a genuine moment
of joy presents itself I can recognize it.
Life is hard, it has so many twists and turns, if there is
anything that can magnify that, it’s a holiday where everyone is expected to be
full of joy. I am thankful to be in place where I am now open to see things in
a new way; I have a sense of hope. I look back at the years behind me and feel
blessed to have the life I have led, and lessons learned, and see a new year
coming up before me and welcome it, whatever it brings because I know it will
teach me something.
So this year, I will put up a tree big or small, fake or
real, and love it. I will expect nothing, and love what I receive. I will give
of my time freely and with an open heart and joy will find me.
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