Little Forever Lights

Sometimes I envision myself as a little spark of energy or light, flitting around the universe colliding with other little sparks. When I collide with the right spark, my energy flames up, radiates out, becomes brighter, at other times when I collide with another spark, I grow dim, my light is paled in the presence of that spark. I can close my eyes and almost feel the buzz of energy flowing through my veins, responding to the energies I am in the presence of. Plants, birds, bees, mankind, all with their little flames of light.

What if that’s really all we are? Little balls of energy flitting around, looking to collide with other sparks that make us bright? Sparks of energy only just barely contained by our cumbersome flesh and bone. Flitting around, simultaneously radiating and absorbing life energy from our neighboring sparks. I would like to think that my spark is one that makes others brighter. I would like to think that that we go on for eternity, little balls of energy.

A Reflection on Christmas

Another Christmas is just around the corner. In my younger years there was nothing in the world that could crush my holiday spirit. And we were poor, never had enough to make ends meet, but we loved our small traditions, and we made the best of it. This went on far into my adult life. My Cheermiestering started the day after thanksgiving and continued until Dec 26^th. I would start baking, several kinds of cookies and sweet breads to freeze. I made homemade wrapping paper, sent out dozens of greeting cards, sang all the classic carols all day long, and drank more than my fair share of eggnog.

But several years ago all that changed. Call it midlife crises, or maybe I just finally gave in to the Scrooge. Looking around at my dysfunctional family, and overwhelmed by the incessant consumerism, I started feeling like nothing I did really mattered. Traditions became thankless motions; everywhere I looked I saw need or greed, both which disheartened me.

I don’t know what caused this change, although I can say it seemed to happen all at once. Suddenly, a holiday I loved, that was filled with joy and family became a chore, something I had to force a smile to get through, doing the bare minimum “for the kids.” It no longer held any meaning for me.

Ever since then, I have been searching, wanting to get back that warm fuzzy Christmas feeling I know exists, but to do that, I now know I have to find its meaning to me. It means a lot of things to a lot of people, and easy if you are Christian, but I am not. But I know it still means something. But what?

This year, it means letting go. Letting go of how things are “supposed” to be, letting go of unrealistic expectations, letting go of perfection. This year it means acceptance and flexibility. To look for that joy in smaller moments, to embrace all of my emotions at this time of year, even if it sadness. To stop with false cheer and look deeper, so when a genuine moment of joy presents itself I can recognize it.

Life is hard, it has so many twists and turns, if there is anything that can magnify that, it’s a holiday where everyone is expected to be full of joy. I am thankful to be in place where I am now open to see things in a new way; I have a sense of hope. I look back at the years behind me and feel blessed to have the life I have led, and lessons learned, and see a new year coming up before me and welcome it, whatever it brings because I know it will teach me something.

So this year, I will put up a tree big or small, fake or real, and love it. I will expect nothing, and love what I receive. I will give of my time freely and with an open heart and joy will find me. 

Love is Life

To love fully, wholly, with an open heart is to know we are alive

Falling in love is floating gently, blissfully, soaring through the atmosphere

Heart pounding, full to the point of bursting, All is joy, bliss, and delight

To love fully, wholly, with an open heart is to let it break, shatter and bleed

Breath sucked from your chest, sorrow drowning the light, falling gracelessly to the ground

Hot tears tracing trails down your cheek as you gather up the fragile shards of your broken heart

Yet we still give our hearts to hold, we risk it all, we still love fully, wholly, and with an open heart

To know we are alive.

Finding Direction

Everyone has times in their lives where they feel they have lost direction. That is a very hard place to be. Life without direction results in worry anxiety and stress. Not knowing what to do or where you are going in life is a very uncomfortable place to be.

In thinking about this, I think about direction and what that means. Is it some material goal, buy a house, get married, or start a career? For many I think this is what direction is. So when things go wrong and goals are not met, it feels as if you are lost.

I like to think about direction in this way, who do I want to be? How do I want to live? Taking the emphasis off of the material plane and look at it on a spiritual plane. I think there is much less chance of getting lost when it is looked at in this light.

Not finding the right mate, not being able to finance a new home, or have your dream career, does not define who you are. Living consciously, with your focus on the health and well being of your spirit is what will keep you from being lost in your life.

There are times when things will weigh heavily on you, death, loss, all those experiences in life none of us get to avoid. Those are the times when you re-evaluate where you are going or what your “direction” is. If you have made being happy, being whole and conscious in your life, the direction, these losses will be less likely to make you feel as if you have gone astray.

It’s when we lack direction and feel lost, our spirit or soul, or whatever it is you want to call that energy, starts to dim. Clinging to relationships, people, or physical things, or the way we think they should be, can pull your energy down. Instead focus on your own spiritual well being, knowing you are just a part of greater humanity, living the human experience. Direct your energy toward your own life spark, the one thing you are the master of, and all things will fall into place and be just as they should be.

Realize that all things are transient, people, material things, your station in life, and especially grief and loss, will pass through. Relinquish the desire to control, and become a passenger in your life. A learning, growing, contented, inspired passenger. 

Hypocracy And Our Great Nation version 2

As Independence Day approaches I am reflecting on the state of freedom, patriotism and religion in this great nation. I feel the same about patriotism as I do about religion. It is full of hypocrisy and fallacies. 

Religion is brimming with mythology and misinterpretations and so are the commonly accepted ideas about the founding of “this great nation”.

There’s nothing like growing up in a religious commune as I did, to illustrate all the bold faced lies in religion.  I saw firsthand how it is used to control and manipulate others, and used for profitable gain. I turned completely away from religion about five years ago when I realized that I could not pretend to believe there was some omniscient being, micromanaging people’s lives and making judgment on right and wrong. The white Christian theology many of us are fed from the cradle does not reflect the true diversity that is represented on our planet earth.  It is a narrow and condescending belief system that when closely examined by a critical mind cannot hold up to scrutiny.

This is also how I feel about patriotism; we are saturated by images of the mighty Red White and Blue and fed false ideas about how liberated we are. I find many of these beliefs fictitious. We are governed by a heavy handed government; who feeds us a false sense of freedom and security. When we speak as a people it takes a herculean effort to be heard over the influence of the all mighty dollar, and white male Christianity.

White Christian America and everything that goes with it, is offensive to me, and I'm sure my views will be offensive to some who read this.

But consider who really built this country. It was the determination of a few souls fleeing their homelands seeking freedom from condemnation; they fought tooth and nail to scratch out an existence for their belief in independence. It was the First Nations, making sacrifices of their own freedom and their way of life. Suffering the humiliation and heartbreak of having their land and culture raped. It was on the backs of all the immigrants who came here seeking liberty. This country was built on the struggle of vastly different cultures, and brave men and women from around the globe. All of these varied and beautiful people poured into one nation, with the same goal, to live and be free.

So reflecting on this I see America as needing to go a long way yet to meet its goal of true freedom. When we have erased bigotry against gender, race, religion, and sexual orientation, when we no longer have laws polluted with religious ideals, when we are really free to live without condemnation, when our voices are heard over and above the clamor of the all mighty dollar, when we are all equally represented and have the ability to live without suppression and intolerance, then we will be truly free.

It should be noted that I am grateful for living here, in this country, and not in a country where suppression and abuse of human rights is even more egregious.  I am simply stating my opinion on where we are now, and where we need to go.  I thank the universe I am free to write this.

Adventures in Caregiving

I was a caregiver in a nursing home for 18 years and it taught me many things. I'm quite sure it is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, at least the way we do it in this country. It taught me time management, and organization. It taught me how to manage ridiculously small paychecks. It taught me how to triage and how to let things go I had no control of. It taught me team work, and leadership, but most importantly it taught me empathy, respect, and tolerance.

During those 18 years, I took care of many types of people. Adventurers, homemakers, professionals, rich, poor, Christians, Atheist, drug addicts, alcoholics and everything in-between. All patients were due the same respect and the same level of care, regardless of their background. As a caregiver my job was not to judge for past miss-steps someone may have made, or the way they chose to live their lives. To do my job to its highest level I had to set judgment aside. Caregivers become quite good at this. 

Empathy was very important, many of these people were at the end of their lives, or had lost so much control over their lives that they were angry and/or sad. They often could not complete the most basic tasks we all take for granted, and were in physical and mental pain. I was bitten, scratched, hit and called names. I chose for quite a few years to work in the special needs unit, where this behavior would dominate the daily routine, because I knew, a patient and steady hand was in need. I was not perfect but I did the best I could. It was confusion and lack of control over their lives that caused many of these patients to act out in this way. It was not about me. I would like to think I carried this lesson beyond the workplace. It is very hard not to react to others negative actions, but rarely is it about you.

I have many memorable moments and people from that period of my life and one story has come up for me on multiple occasions. One of the patients I cared for, for several years was an elderly woman with Alzheimers. She has lost her ability to walk, use the bathroom, feed herself; basically she relied on her caregivers for all of her basic needs. No one had heard her speak for years.

One morning, after feeding her breakfast I wheeled her back to her room. As usual, I faced her to the window, opened the shades so she could look outside, and tucked a blanket around her lap. Probably uttering a few polite words such as “here’s your blanket.” And “let me open the window for you” As I turned to leave the room I heard a voice say “Thank you.” I was stopped in my tracks. This woman had never before uttered a word to me. Of course I went back to her, told her she was welcome, but her moment of lucidity was gone. It was a poignant reminder that she was still there, still worthy of care and respect, and still alive. It still gives me goosebumps. 

I had many patients I was close with. A tiny little Catholic man with 10 children who couldn't figure out for the life of him how I could be married and have no children. (I had none at the time) He always had a mischievous glint in his eye when he teased me about this. 

And then there was the Aids patient, many years ago when fear of aids was very high. He was on a section that one of my co workers worked, one day I observed her putting on a full sleeved gown, two pairs of gloves, and a mask, so I asked her if he was bleeding and did she need help. She said no, she just needed to check his blood pressure. I stopped her right there and said she could take one of my patients I would take over his care. I have no idea the last time someone had come into his room without a full hazmat outfit on. He must have felt inhuman and probably missed human touch very much.
A particularly touching moment is when I brought my firstborn baby into the home to visit the patients. There was a woman dying of cancer, who also happened to be a grandmother of someone I had gone to school with. Recognizing me, her daughter asked me if I would please bring the baby to see her mother. I brought the baby to the old womans bedside full of pride and love, and the woman reached out to touch him and began to cry. She held his little hand and said "this makes all okay, I must go to make room for this new soul" I can assure you there was not a dry eye in that room that day. 

I worked very hard, broke down my body, had daily emotional struggles trying to meet the needs of so many. Some days I cried with frustration and anger at how we provide for our sick and elderly. But many days I laughed, and loved and was fulfilled by the knowledge I was doing good in the world. The moments I was thanked by family at the bed of a dying patient, or pulled aside and told “mom really likes you, thank you for caring”, More than made up for the bad days. And I highly value the lessons and strengths I gleaned from that experience as a caregiver. It humbled me in face of humanity, and as cliché as it sounds we ARE all one. Life is not easy, or fair but there’s no need to make it harder by judging harshly or defining yourself by others actions. More compassion and less judgement will make for a much better world to live in. 

Lets Talk about Sex

After being inundated with news of Elliot Rodgers shooting rampage and his ridiculous belief he was wronged by women for not giving him sex, and reading commentaries, comments, and reflections on the subject, this is how I feel.

We have built a society where we use sex to sell; we sexualize both the male and female bodies, wax, oil and slap them up on billboards. And yet, it is taboo to talk about sex in any real way to our youth in school, and the kind of natural innocent nudity is shocking, as in a breast feeding mother.

Young men grow up and feel shamed, and is if they are not a real man if they are virgins, and girls are slut shamed and taught to hang on to their virginity as long as possible. This creates a hunter/prey mentality that fosters sexual frustration and violence. More on this subject can be read in a fantastic article by Alyssa Royse " The Danger in Demonizing Male Sexuality"

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-danger-in-demonizing-male-sexuality/ 

The dichotomy we have created in regards to the sex conversation is absurd. Men and women both want sex, love, and respect. It is time to change the conversation with young people, take away the taboo, encourage questions, and provide useful, reality based information so they can go into the world with knowledge and respect for themselves and those around them.

It is long past time to take the sex subject out of the closet and make it an accessible conversation for young people. No more shame and no more blame.